This Morning: Comments from PFFA

This is crazy. I’ve just posted “This Morning” in Poetry Free-for-all, an online poetry workshop known for its harsh but frank critics. (Especially the regulars and moderators)

Took me a lot of courage to post one of my old poems there. (Actually not just my old poems lah.) I will update this post a few days later.

I really love that site.

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Updated on 27 June 2005

This Morning

Looking at you
from the corner
of my eyes,
I wonder what
you are dreaming.
You look so peaceful
like a baby, but
a baby that will never
bear my surname.
I am afraid
I won’t be here
when you open
your eyes.
As I tiptoe
out of the room,
I wonder
what my wife is doing now.

Okay, I don’t think there are any new comments coming in. The following are some of the selected few. (You can view the rest at PFFA) :)

by John Boddie,

“This reads like prose - a series of declarative sentences broken into arbitrarily short lines. The short lines are at odds with the more liesurely phrasing. I suppose that it's supposed to be a portrait of a man and a young mistress. The significance of the man's leaving the room quietly is obscure. There's very little here for the reader to work with.”

by Lukethedrifter,

“You're telling how you feel but not really making me feel anything. I read and wonder what I've gained by reading this. What makes this a unique thought beyond all the others? I can't even really picture the baby sleeping. How old is it? How is it's sleep? so on and so on. Why are you wondering what your wife is doing if you're going to leave?”

and lastly,

by sefton,

“I liked a number of elements; the spareness, the movement through the scene, and some of the line breaks. There are a couple of things to address, and a couple of ways to go with this.

One is to flesh out the poem, using each of the lines above essentially as base for a longer line. And perhaps another theme/element can be added as you flesh out; it takes away from the soft kick at the end, but more about the life/nature/situation of the narrator or the girl (or boy) in question, and how that relates to their affair, might be interesting.

Another is to tighten what you have even further. Mostly, I see a few places where the line breaks seem too clever by half:

Looking at you
from the corner
of my eyes,

I liked these, for example, though a small part of me feels like L3 is a casualty of the break that sets off L2 and makes it interesting.

I wonder what
you are dreaming.

This is one that seems too clever by half. On the page, the second line here seems interesting in relation to what surrounds it, but then again, the first line here doesn't say much at all, and is nearly repeated later in the poem. This might be a case where adding some specifics (what is he wondering?) might help.

like a baby, but
a baby that will never
bear my surname.

I think these are also ineffective breaks--it's really one idea and feels like it should sit on one line, two at the most.

As I tiptoe
out of the room,
I wonder
what my wife is doing now.

And here, I don't see the reason L1 and L2 are separate lines. L3 is set off interestingly, as it can refer to what precedes or follows it, but then again the break at wonder/what seems awkward--maybe reframing as an active question (what is my wife doing now?) might help.

Anyway, I did like this, and I hope these comments help.

Thanks for posting.

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You can really learn a lot from these guys. :)