Selected Poem from DPS (S) #01
Jalan Bukit Merah
Panties on bamboo poles
like battle flags
Lifts eternally reeking
of urine and sweat
The dusty stairs are stained
with vomit of heroin.
The graffiti on the walls
speaks for all.
Packs of young punks with nothing to do, except
smoking, bragging and cursing their blues.
"Shall we lay a girl or two, bum?"
"No joe, go home get your parang."
Some poor bastard gonna lose an arm or two.
By dsnake1 posted on 10 May 2005
10 comments:
It is an interesting poem, quite good actually, but it needs more work. I think generally some parts got somewhat overstated. A bit more subtlety and restraint would do a lot to improve the poem. The poem tries to capture a very heartlander part of Singapore life, but some of the language used was distinctly non-heartlander. That also spoiled the poem.
Some more-specific points:
"Eternally" didn't work for me in the 1st stanza.
This line:
"The graffiti on the walls
speaks for all."
also didn't work for me. I'm not sure how the graffiti is speaking for all, or what the graffiti is saying. I suspect that the poet doesn't either.
Words & phrases like "punks", "cursing their blues", "lay a girl", "bum", "joe", "gonna lose an arm" etc didn't feel authentic. They could work in describing a slum or ghetto area in an angmoh country, but felt all wrong with a title like "Jalan Bukit Merah".
If the poet substituted these phrases with equivalents in the local vernacular, the poem would work better. A dash of Hokkien or Malay would help.
Panties on bamboo poles? That is an interesting image. I am perfectly fine with the first two stanzas but dislike the last one. Sound weird.
And what/where is Jalan Bukit Merah? Is it a place in Singapore?
Hi gilbert,
Thanks for your comments, I'll keep that in mind.
In the late 70s/early 80s, I was staying in a block of flats in Bukit Merah. It was a rough place, with triad members, bookies , junkies and other scum. The graffiti on the staircase walls? Lewd drawings, loan shark demands, some love notes.
This was one of the earliest poems that I have written. You are right, a dash of hokkien or Malay would help. I have thought of rewriting it, but decided to leave it as it is, written some 20+ years ago.
Thanks again for your insightful comments!
Hi anonymous,
Bukit Merah is one of the earliest housing estates in Singapore. You won't want to be there when I was writing about it at that time, but it's all cleaned up now!
"I have thought of rewriting it, but decided to leave it as it is, written some 20+ years ago."
Looking forward to read your new poems dsnake1. :)
Hi DP,
I think my older poems are better, I am more angry. more hungry at that time. :)
A better life (only slightly hor) has dull my writing edge? I really don't know, i find it hard to be satisfied with my new works, maybe my muse is gone. :)
Why DP never post my poem here one? Ahhh gilbert koh is here!!!
Your Muse is sleeping lah. Wake up, wake up. Heehee.
Hey Death, keep writing. One day I will post one of your poems. :)
I'm new here, so I don't feel comfortable offering suggestions,even though you asked.
I always read poetry outloud. The first two verses are a strong opening tothe ear and the imagery is fantastic.
I found the rest of the poem interesting in the manner you told the "story", but it's a bit choppy from the rest of the poem. The ending has strong thoughts but it's still a weak closing and doesn't fit. in all, I think our first 2 stanzas are the best and perhaps you can incorporate the remaining parts of the poem into a smoother style while still conveying this harsh reality. Oh, i did offer a suggestion....
Still in your third stanza, I feel the strong alliteration and sound of "packs/punks/parang", and the strong verbs is effective. It just needs to be rewritten. I look forward to your re-worked version,because this is SO good so far!
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